Look at them!
Don’t you see them?
Count em’ all!
Betchya don’t get that every day.
Have you ever seen such a thing?
I have. It’s in-sane!
None of them know me like I do and
that’s
fine!
They’re mine to have!
You should really try it out.
I think you’d really like it.
I know I do!’
I took video of a disco ball.
I tilted it a bit, trying something new, added Paris filter,
went to bed, woke up renewed when Friday came to play.
That night,
I posted up a photo of a drink I’d had,
added animated glitter, something nice and something fun in filtered Oslo,
shoes in bed, renown and into Saturday, tbh
I’m kind of like a God.
Later that day,
a steak I always have at Disneyland.
Something special with a slice of mushroom, Autumn’s kinda gone I guess but at least we’re living life in Lagos, three sugar cubes in this old fashioned and before I post my postured smile with Mickey Mouse if only for a millisecond do I convince myself that this is living,
glittered steaks and mirror ball –
These things are my Eternity.
Looking back at these stories,
taking record of all who’ve seen my shared and walloped under my gains,
I convince myself that’s true,
that I am living legend
and in my euthanasia see as I replay these victories one last time
that I have known the world and the world
has buckled under me.
Stroke of woe, my bitter complaint,
Contemptuous towards these pangs of Sin,
Shackled,
For I am wicked,
Shackled so I’m judged;
Still weak-kneed to be righteous,
Mine affliction confused
With these cold hands I wish to clasp
together,
Kneading the virtue of my Right,
With the blasphemy of my Left,
Weighted by His omnipresence,
His appointment to have me tried,
Beneath His shadowed Light so brilliant
I succumb with fear before His eye,
As my heart goes soft,
This deserved pain of love,
The agony of fools,
For I know not what Man I am,
For I have fear that comes on me,
Fear of what Man I might have become.
I’m laying on a lakebed 40 miles North of Barstow
And I’m thinking about bucket hats as something you can
barf into,
Heart strings that sting,
And the magic’s hitting like it’s hurting, feeling like a
horny Himbo
And the sky right now I mean like Jesus fucking christ —
A universe cathedral.
Milky Way the arches,
Praising something like itself and my back’s on the dirt
and there go the desert gods of aliens, winking at me and
the hand’s outreached and you come to view, at least to
mind, I wonder where you’ve been, wonder if you’d stay,
wonder if I’d keep you if you did,
wonder if the Gods up in the sky that zoom and zoom
are but tensioned boredom,
precursor of grief which befalls always at the end,
and if Gods like wistful love
are just longing, laying, pining need for you
to lift me off the ground,
then perhaps this taste piercing my throat
salivating for salvation,
knowing how I want you knowing now I need you.
that’s Venus rising to the left and just above our Moon.
Rolls his eyes at poetry but collects Funko Pops.
Nonconformity is conformity.
Careful who you give your love to; they may just be in need of your friends.
After careful consideration, being a fool is existing in the middle place between idiocy and genius.
Due diligence should be the name of a band.
Hey, so I’ve been thinking (for once).
Blasting music in the desert in fear of hearing nothing.
We could taste the Sun from where we perched; tangy, soft, lemonade.
End of the day, days from then, moments from now – reached the end of the timeline there,
There was always going to be the
Uh,
End.
The you of you, the men of you, the echoes after you,
Me getting over you, the end of that,
That was always gonna happen. At least I thought.
Now,
It’ll be him who has me to get rid of;
I mean you,
I mean us,
and your burner IG accounts
(possumkingdomdc)
(nother)
(jasonruerennequin).
Catch yourself up enough to bite you’re the one who winds up tangled.
Catch yourself tangled up enough you learn how to cut through the rope.
Unlike that of a fisherman’s,
Not nylon,
Not of anything that cannot decompose.
But of flesh
And all its rotting
Potential.
The inevitable promise of the mortal.
Of a name.
Of a family man now off to fetch a new visage, another one for himself.
I don’t blame you.
That’s selfish and elementary.
The weight bears on my lungs. Close above my heart,
arrhythmia
Like the barren longing for his arms without him,
Or the smell of him when I try to forget yours,
(despite yours being equated to soup)
The jokes he laughed at versus the ones you didn’t.
The jabs you made versus the one he never could.
And now its him on the chopping block,
The selfishness of me; Lord,
Allowing yourself into me, allowing you to stay,
The selfishness of me; Lord,
Allowing myself onto him, allowing him to go.
Some deserve the grave, and others the world, gimme Purgatorio.
But him and unlike you,
Deserves the neither of us.
The stupidity of course,
Beyond you, I always known, said I ‘Should’ve known,’
The allowed lingering of you.
Your perseverance isn’t an accolade you ought to boast on your pinned chest,
Rather,
Fine,
A weakness that has only come from being unable being to unbar myself of the majesty and tragedy of you,
And rather than ridding my grief of you once and for all,
Have surrendered to the cop-easy entry of band-aiding all the ways my everything of you meant your every day for you,
I’ve crushed love because of you,
And that’s entirely my fault.
Hiding behind your burners,
and still,
for some tormented reason,
still hiding behind some wall of my heart forever stained
With your smell of soup
so long as I refuse to mop it off once and for all.
perhaps, per chance,
some stains are permanent,
only over time are they forgotten, nay, tolerated.
You wouldn’t listen to me if I tried,
Never tried and now it’s all I’m trying to do,
To prove to you that I should’ve done something then,
Trying to show you I’d do something now, but –
‘Now,’ now,
not the now of the other day,
The day I let you go, and I don’t know where you’ll go,
But I’m hoping it’s a place some day I’ll be,
could it be some place I’ll be,
Try to let it be a place I’ll be,
this is me trying to beg, I want you hearing that,
The fear in my tremble, I always say being scared is pussy shit, but –
The thought
– Comes
– up.
Should I surrender myself,
Cut myself off from myself, and concede,
To you?
No longer trying, but doing like an exhale into your arms knowing you’d carry me,
Allowing you to insert the way you do,
Giving my ears to the words you choose,
Given you my pain;
Trusting you, your hue of blue,
– instead of this stupid shit I’ve done?
This knee-jerk crap with the little red button,
‘Nuclear option,’ blow it up,
Trying there, I did,
Succeeding there, I do;
That efficient self-destruction shit.
There I did and often as I do.
– I cut it off when I fear what I’d become once it ended.
– I’ve seen what happens when something like us does.
So selfish of me to assume you don’t,
Selfish of me to have believed you’d understand.
You wouldn’t listen if I did,
But would you listen to me if I tried?
So selfish of me to ask as I’ve evaded your patience,
Your fucking touch of grace,
– But,
Would you take me back if you did?
I cut a limb to feel my heart
To fix myself, at least to think I could
Dragged feet to soaring wings
I thought from the bounds of Earth
But the depths of Hell.
I cost a love to feel my pulse
To heal a thing, at least I’ve tried
Confused remorse, just missed the grief
Realised flight not from the coldness of flames,
But the abyss of self.
I left a life to feel some soul
To feel some thing, some thing to feel,
Blinded pupil of the approaching Sun,
I sought flight from my throat to the Universe
And still found no way to go.
Science is boring but there’s a thing to the sky, the wind, the mountain time,
the height and the light and the way these clouds just glow under the cuff, pillows
billowing
cirrus and stratus knowing no form, aside from maybe those taffy puffs that stretch across the sky (like heartstrings, stinging like they’re plucked when you come back to mind).
Due west, (how’s your hair, and how’s the dog?), there’s this
return
to a wonder-less basin, most days,
but here,
most times,
box winds closer to the ground throw themselves East as the ones above (I suppose I’m fine), Westward.
West of honest smiles (and roadrunners), Natives pumping gas too slow and seasons called ‘monsoon.’
There’s the violins of the pines right now, their needles quivering in some sedated symphony (they’ve been doing it for years), with the blows we never see but always strike familiar (desert dust like jasmine white, you never thought it special).
All of it heading for you as the magmatic moon grows smaller the more we turn away and move in revolutions (the ache sizzles just the same, always less the more I stay away from you), and,
The thoughts of you, the longing, and the dreams of showing you what’s up Central, the bliss and kitsch, the Runaway’s hideaway, the Sun burning over some shared horizon (you’ve seen everything I’m talking about with those private IG accounts you use to stalk me), and the heat,
Good God,
as it mirrors off the bottoms of whatever label we’ve decided to give these,
mountainous,
floating,
Carbonations, of everything that remains constant and yet so ever lovingly promises,
I dunno,
‘Inconsistency?’
Or the promise of demise? The end of things but the continuation afterward, that old, fabled telling of time, forever fading, although moving, dissipated, like sugar in Colorado blue, these thoughts of you, again, sorry (don’t hate me) –
They’ve grown so weak. The longing once and for all replaced with grief,
and some day soon, some time after tonight, like the light and the wind and the clouds of no form, I suspect,
And I hypothesise (I don’t mean to sound excited),
The grief will turn towards the unknown, born again, like continuation, for some other winds, for some other boy, for some type of adoration.
The sky for now, due without the labels (but I think you’re finally out of here).
There’s this
paralyzing stiffness
of a red-hot poker
with the head-shaped heart of a bull
that pulsates with a pumping gravity
up and in until it’s through,
busting through,
the trachea and coming out the mouth,
that’s,
that’s what’s pinned me
into the ground.
What was once the silence of agony
now
but a
gaping hole in the refractory.
After the I Love You’s bust
the load’s for you but no, none for me, our hands began to slip.
Cold feet,
the cold sweats
the
terminology for whenever the body stops shaking but the soul is still rumble-ing, the uh –
Catatonic
save the dread.
The euphoria of your skin,
pressed-pasted into mine
now shrouded
by the knowingness of one day growing,
going,
ultimately limp.
That the fires dwindle into ember,
as the air we breathe begins to freeze,
the sun you used to shine on me, turns its back for good.
And not for nothing,
but the yearning desire to mourn for the moon,
to dream again of what was had, what’s needed now,
needing to knead your presence into absence
into something now forgotten, all of it my fault,
with that
stupid
fucking
paralyzing stiffness.
That comes from having you.
Of
having you.
Of knowing you, you knowing me,
not knowing what to do, knowing that you’re knowing me,
the
matter of time
before someone goes for good.
For fear of what you desire, I can’t give to you
my
my moving deeper-closer into you,
it was never something I could be.
Fuck man
that pulsating agony,
the impotence,
Of never knowing who to be.
Thomas Daníel Valls 